Don't Cry for Me, Sloppy Vagina . . .

I'm just gonna put this out there. I don't want to sound like a snob. Or overly judgmental or similar. So, forgive me if I sound a bit harsh when I say the following:

I don't like it when guys cry on first dates.

I know what you're thinking: wow, KDub is such an asshole. I know, it's mean. It's terrible. To expect a man to mainture composure and full masculinity when on a first date with a woman. It's shocking. It's high standards. It's asking for too much. I know. You wouldn't be the first to call me demanding, dear reader(s).

After all, society, over recent years, has asked, indeed, demanded that men show more of their feminine side, that they open up to us, keep the lines of communication open, come onboard, get on the same page blah blah blah . . .

But when we swap stories . . . hell, I'll just recount it.

Kath and Patty Mean at Uncle Nick's (Greek place on 9th ave):

So, are your parents divorced, too?
No, my mom died when I was in high school.
Good times.
(chuckling) Yeah.

See, that was nice, wasn't it? I admitted my mom was dead, he made a joke about it. I immediately started picking out china patterns in my head.

Cut to:
An hour later, Kath and Patty Mean at Druid's (cute pub/restaurant on 10th ave)

Patty Mean begins monologue:
So, when my grandfather died two years ago, it was such a big deal. I mean -
(dramatic pause, eyes water)
he was the one.
(pause, pounds chest for effect)
You know? The one. When I decided to pursue acting and my entire family thought I was going crazy, he pulled me aside -
(pause, Patty covers his face, bites his lip)
"I've never seen you act, kid. But I think you should go for it."

Patty Mean turns away. Inhales and exhales, using his right hand to guide him through the breathing, a lesson gleaned from a few semesters of voice class. Chokes back a sob. It's a performance worthy of America's favorite closeted fag Mr. Cruise.

I said and did all the right thing, made sympathetic noises.

But all I can think is: Jesus Christ, guy, pull yourself together.