Hear the one about Michael, some say he must be gay/I try to argue, but they said if he was straight he wouldn’t move that way

Ah, good times today, dear readers. My co-workers and I sat outside the Paradise Cafe on 8th avenue and played Gay/Straight. So much fun. According to our resident gay, here are some defining characteristics:

Gay: flat stomach, less clothing than the average straight man (read: tank tops)
Straight: paunch escalating to full-blown belly, backhair sprouting forth from back of shirt

Patty Mean, the aforementioned crier, tucked his wifebeater into his crotch so tight it could barely be removed. And then, I realized. He was using it as a bellybra. I smell a Seinfeld episode.