A new MO, perhaps?

A wise man with a medical degree suggested the following to me wednesday morning:

the reason my dad continues to hurt me is not because of his poor behavior but because of a change that i need to make within myself.

if I let go of my ideal, the commonly held belief that a parent should be loving and responsive toward his children, then my dad's behavior simply won't bother me anymore.

feels like a very Buddhist notion, no? Something about how attachments to people and ideals only create suffering. Once we let go, suffering will cease. I'm hardly enlightened though and to somehow undo nearly 30 years of suffering with this man by seemingly letting him off the hook . . . ?

I'm reminded of a scene in The Prince of Tides. Nick Nolte's sons are playing with Nick Nolte's incredibly abusive father, who is now a mellow old man.

"They love you, Dad," says Nick Nolte.

The part that bugs me the most is the seeeming injustice. The idea that my dad will continue to get away with this kind of behavior. That he will continue to think that it's okay.

"Your father's behavior and what goes on in his head is not up to you. It's not your agenda. All you can do is heal yourself. As long as you continue to feel anger and resentment towards him, you are only hurting yourself."

You are hurting yourself.

I am hurting myself.

"But sometimes I just want to sever my relationship with him."

"You can't. Even if you never speak to him again, he will still be your father. You will still have a relationship with him."

Even ignoring someone is still giving them a response.

And so, if I were to embrace this philosophy, a lot of things could suddenly fall into place. If I choose to move out of the apartment or not . . it doesn't matter. If I go to Florida and I don't see him, it doesn't matter. In a way, it takes a shocking amount of pressure off of myself. Because, should the anger/resentment fade, so will the "I'll show him!" mentality.

So maybe ignoring him for a monthish was a good thing. It sent a signal without actually contributing further anger toward the fire.