It's like a mouth full of joy!

It's hard to eat oatmeal when you really want some sausage. (hiyo!)

So, it's been a long time, no? Much has transpired, including my first sojourn to Boston which also included my first boxing match, Fight Club-style in a friend's kitchen (I beat the shit out of a chick named Raquel, who is not to be confused with the Cuban Cookie, my dad's girlfriend, although that would surely be a fine boxing title) as well as the near-promise of a promotion sometime within the next year, hopefully before I turn 30. Christ, I'm old. If I don't wear makeup, I look like Sarah Jessica Parker, aka fugly. Talk about a butterface. Oy. She does have hot-girl arms, though. Ho-basket.

My office's "break room" features a Starbucks machine; however, the coffee it produces tastes like dark, rich asswater. I drink it nonetheless. I hear water's healthier but who needs health when you're hungover? Not this girl.

There's a new invention out and you can find it, in some states, not all, in the vagina section of most drugstores. It's a vibrating cockring, made by Elexa (the female component of Trojan). I will not go into detail but could I put
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESDEARGODYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSFUCKYESSSSSSSSSSSSS
GIVEITTO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" into proper words, I would advertise this product via several media, including skywriting or some sort of happy-vagina-bat-signal to be seen across the globe. What does a smiling vagina look like anyway?